A story written by Flow1759… If you missed part Two, read it HERE
“ehn na me be Man, Man wey dey reason, na me reason out dis beans and yam wey una wan chop, if no be so, all of una for drink water and sleep with empty belle” A not too short and not too chubby guy introduced himself. “i be the Ibo boy wey grow up for Sokoto, even sultan of Sokoto know me sef” he added after arranging the plates of food on the floor. I instantly believed he grew up in Sokoto because his skin was as black as charcoal.
I knew all these guys as my church members, but i never knew them by their names, sometimes i always saw them with Pkc in church, but my relationship with them was just a “hello-hi” relationship. They were my friends from a distance that would soon turn my bosom friends, or so i tot.
Ozommiri could be interpreted in English to mean Riverside. Not up to 100metres behind our small lodge lies a river. The river was a tributary of the dreaded Otammiri River. And just in front of our lodge was the Ozommiri bus stop. So our lodge was called Ozommiri lodge.
We started to eat the very tasty Beans and yam. The formation was 2-2-2-1. A one man attacking formation, the one man attacking was Pkc. While the rest of us ate in two’s. “Man wey dey reason!!” Snoop hailed “dis ur food make sense oh”. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Baba Jay was eating with so much speed, despite the fact that the food was piping hot. “dis food no dey burn dis guy for mouth, abi him mouth na Ac?” i said that out of my mind’s mouth.
“Baba jay u dey cheat me oh, i no go dey chop with u again oh” Man complained. “na me tell u say make u dey chop like woman? chop like man na, abi u dey fear?” Baba jay responded. “God forbid bad tin, if na to chop like u be man, i no wan be man, i wan be woman” Man said as he tried increasing his pace.
I had never lived in the same room with six guys all my life, so i was already savouring the Euphoria of the relationship.
Time to sleep, the bed was made. “na who go sleep for ground na?” Man asked. “Man just sleep for ground today abeg, tommorow we go write the timetable for people wey go dey sleep for ground” Pkc said. “dis house sef ehn? na every tin una dey write timetable for, to cook na timetable, to wash plate na timetable, to sweep house na timetable, to fetch water na timetable, now to sleep for bed una wan write timetable” Tega said. “e good na, so quarel no go dey na” Baba jay said.
We chatted a bit making roof raising noise before we started falling asleep one after the other.
I caught Insomnia that night, all i was thinking was the kind of funny house i would spend the next one year in.
I wished Brainbox had not slept so he would keep me company just as he always did when we were at Umunkoto, we would silently chat at the middle of the night. I never knew a non-stop “thundering” sound and a “killing” stench would keep me company that night.
“braaaaaaaaa brooooo broooo braaaaaa braaaaaaaaa!!” was what i heard. To be sincere, i initially tot it was thunder or maybe someone was beating a drum outside. It was so loud that the big mattress we were lying on vibrated greatly. I turned left to take my first dose of the stench.
Baba Jay was lying by my left while Snoop was lying by my right, Brainbox was lying on the other mattress with Pkc and Tega. I suspected no other a’nus but Baba jay’s a’nus for the fart “crime”.
I inhaled the smell not only through my nose but also through my mouth because my mouth was ajar in astonishment. I was the only one awake, Pkc was even snoring. “braaaa braaaaaa braaaaa broooo!!” i heard another deafening fart. This time the vibrating effect on the mattress caused a force to pull me up. My stomach was spinning, not only was my stomach spinning, my eyes were spinning also. I felt Something dangling in my lower abdomen, was it my kidney? “yeeeeh! So naso mess go make person get kidney failure? God forbid!!” i said to myself “God! Man pekin go suffocate here oh, which kin smell be dis” i cried out with both hands on my nose.
The room was dark and hot, i couldn’t see clearly. 10minutes later, the smell was gradually subsiding when, “braabraa braaabraa braaaabraaa” Baba Jay gave me another dose.
I hurriedly went close to the window in other to revive my already dying kidney. It was of no use because the smell had clouded not only the room, but outside.
“na me be Baba Jay, the only guy wey get award for Guiness book of record for the world best mess” i remembered how Baba Jay introduced himself. Indeed he deserved the Guiness book of records award for the world best fart, he also deserved to be given a Grammy award, because his fart was really Good music.
All the dose of stench i had inhaled made me “overdosed”. It was like an elixir that cured the insomnia i had, making me sleep like a baby.
To Be Continued…